I’ve wanted to learn how to play piano for about a decade now, if not a little more.
In high school, I bought myself a guitar and started to learn but gave up after not very long. The music itch has always existed but it’s hard to be bad at something and have the persistence to keep with it.
Around this same time, piano had become an interesting idea, too. Since watching Christina Grimmie and her piano covers on YouTube wayyyyy back in the day, piano was so tantalizing. Most people were playing guitar in their covers, but she played her keyboard and killed it every time.
I always felt like it was out of my reach, though. I had tried to learn guitar and struggled so didn’t feel like I could try something else. I didn’t have the space for it. Keyboards are an investment. So many reasons it would go unrealized.
But now, I have the space for it. I have the funds for it. And I have the desire to learn. And yet, I can’t quite seem to pull the trigger on it.
Because I seem to have some tangled up emotions, I decided to write on it and see where my anxieties led. This is where it led me.
If I buy a keyboard, it all becomes real.
My commitment to music as a passion. My desire to learn. My identity becomes wrapped up in it.
I become an aspiring pianist (keyboardist?). I become a more serious pursuer of music as a hobby. And that feels like a lot of pressure.
Like I have to become good to make it all worthwhile.
Like I have to become good enough to share things with the world because if I’m not sharing what I create, did I really create it?
Like I have to play so much every day or week or month to make the monetary investment worth it. Even though you can’t put a price on joy.
Like I’ve just monopolized an entire room for my work and hobbies and that I feel like I don’t deserve the space because I’m not the primary breadwinner because of course our worth is tied directly to the amount of money we bring in (it’s not but it feels like it some days in our society).
Like if I don’t get where I want to go with it, I’ll be a failure.
There’s so much pressure that’s coming with this purchase for some reason. I can’t untangle all of these thoughts and anxieties very well. It’s a lot pushing down on me all at once.
And it’s entirely self-inflicted.
I think we as humans feel like we get one thing and that’s it. If I’m a designer that’s all I’m going to be for my life. It’s what I should talk to others about.
It doesn’t matter that I also enjoy art or writing or music. I can’t be an artist, writer, musician, and designer. That’s just silly.
But we are all multifaceted. It’s normal to have hobbies - multiple different hobbies even!
When I bought my guitar in high school, it felt like an exploration. A “will I enjoy this and want to pursue it throughout my life” kind of thing. And that feels normalized at 16.
But when you’re 29, it feels like you can’t learn new things. That investing real money into an instrument you’ve never played before feels like you have an ego. That you’re so great you can learn a new thing. That you can be another version of you.
And it becomes especially hard when guitar didn’t fully pan out. I’m still working at it and making progress, but it also feels like I’m getting ahead of myself.
Learning 2 instruments at once?! What kind of maniac am I?
I was reading though that learning piano and guitar together can work out. Piano is helpful for learning music theory because of how the keys are physically laid out. Guitar has a steeper learning curve but then gets easier once you get over the hump, especially with the music theory knowledge transferring from the piano.
And I absolutely need the music theory stuff to be able to write songs more effectively.
Plus I’m not jumping in totally blind. I have been dabbling around in a virtual keyboard. It’s been super helpful. I feel like music theory stuff is clicking more. It’s also helped with singing exercises and matching pitch.
The virtual keyboard is working just fine for the singing exercises. But a real one would be nice so I could get away from the computer screen more. I don’t want to stare at a screen for the rest of my days.
It has its limitations, too. I’ve been using the virtual keyboard to write chord progressions for songs and I can only play a chord with what would be the equivalent of “one hand” on the keyboard. So it’s incredibly basic. I’d love to play chords in multiple octaves at once.
I also can’t play certain chords at all! Most computer keyboards have limitations in the number of keys you can hit at the same time. And which keys in combination. So while hitting 3 keys to play, say, F minor is okay, hitting 3 keys to play F# minor isn’t okay. It’s so weird, I thought it was a glitch but it’s the hardware of the keyboard - and I tried multiple!
So if I really want to play my songs on piano, I need a real keyboard and the patience and persistence to learn.
As I write all of this out, it seems incredibly clear to me that I would enjoy the keyboard even if all I did was use it to help in my learning to sing. And I would probably learn how to play basic chords to help in my songwriting at the very least.
But that fear of “what if I give up on it” keeps creeping in.
I haven’t given up on guitar this time, though. Which gives me hope.
It has been about a month since I have picked it up, because life happened. But life will happen regardless. I didn’t do any of my other hobbies in that time either. Sometimes life is survival mode and pick up the pieces after.
I have every intention of getting back to it and I have a plan of attack in learning.
And yet the fear creeps in.
But, life is short. We all only have so much time to pursue those things we truly want.
It’s a scary investment. It’s scary to commit to a new hobby and by extension a new identity (although that’s probably a little over-the-top, I’ll still be me).
But taking the leap is okay, too. I can’t always live in the comfort zone. I can’t be afraid to fail or to be bad.
I’m so deep in this that I have the model all picked out. I’ve done all the research and comparisons and searching. Literally all that is left is finding where I want to buy it from, adding it to my cart, and checking out.
And it feels like the hardest, scariest part. It makes it real.
Thank you so much for reading In the Clouds! This is a personal outlet I created to nurture my own creativity and to connect with other artsy people out in the world.
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I bought a keyboard years ago because I wanted to take piano lessons then practice at home. I had similar thoughts of "don't waste money, you might give up". I pushed ahead anyway because even if I quit after my package of lessons, I took a bet on myself and I was open to exploration. Life is literally so short. Money is stupid paper. Me seeing what I can do or trying something new is priceless. (Obv don't go wild spending money if you're legit financially not in the position but you clarified you had the extra to spend so it's okay)
Did I stick with it? Nope. I took another batch of lessons sporadically months after the fact and then never went back. The keyboard sat in storage for awhile and last year I fiddled with it a bit. It brought me joy to see what I remembered and to play with the settings. That to me was worth the money spent on it. Those moments of just wonder or curiosity. They're far and few between, moreso as I get older (and jaded).
That said, ADD TO CART!!! GO GO GO :)
Hey Amy, super interesting debate! Those two totally compliment each other. The keyboard part is helpful on notes, especially if you may dabble in writing or hearing sounds, put to paper, (the constraint being the budget!)
As far as the jumping in part, there's a great book by Stephen Guise called Mini Habits that bump you into action when all you see is too much!!